Sunday, March 14, 2010

Moms last wishes

My Mom has asked me to buy her dress she will be laid out in. Her underwear and slippers too, for her final farewell.
It must be navy blue with long sleeves because, she spoke of how terrible her arms are now, once muscular and strong are now flab's of hanging skin.
Lump in my throat tears building up I said yes. I can't show the pain I am feeling at the moment, I have to hold it in until my drive home. Longest trip home I have made, tears blinding my sight I made it home.
The next day I shopped for her by taking pictures with my phone showing her the pics the following day. We finally agreed on a style.I found a dress I thought would fit at JC PENNY.
She tired it on over a sweat shirt and jeans coming up 2 sizes to big. She says keep it, you know it will cut down the back and fitted. Boy that lump in my throat felt like a tennis ball at that moment.
My Dad walked in at that moment and she began to cry, I could not hold it in nor could Dad we had a group hug and the tears be fell us. She said the dress was perfect. Later calling me to say Dad thought it looked very nice on her.

I know each day Mom is working on making her final farewell easy for all. She has chosen who will speak at her funeral, what biblical verse she would like read, what music she would like played.

It's hard being her only daughter, knowing I will no longer have a special friend to share all my good with. Like the granddaughters I have and her great that we share.
Her Mother never got to know her great granddaughter, my daughter because she had a stroke and could longer walk or talk and passed away before my daughter turned one.
For my Mom becoming a great Grandmother has been her greatest joy.She always felt her Mother missed out on what would have been her greatest joy too.

She is growing weaker each day and the pain never subsides now, she looks at her feet every day to see if they are turning blue, I finally told her yesterday what the signs where for death and told her she has none. She is a fighter, she wanted to make it through the holidays and did. Then she wanted to see the tulips and they are breaking through the ground now. She has decieded she wants some mushrooms (morels)which may be up in a few weeks. Now she has decieded to be here for the month of May, she does not know why but wants to make to that month.

She has only the strentgh to get up eat a breakfast, make her bed then off to the couch to too sleep through day with pain killers. The slight relief she gets from pain is sleep, the whole time bemoaning in pain. I hope if anyone smokes that you cut back and realize that it can kill you through a long painfull journey.


  1. Through your pain you write a beautiful story, johnnie. Thank you for sharing these moments. Prayers to you and your family, and God bless your sweet mom.

  2. I am so sorry you have to go through this sadness and your mother has to go through all the pain. My heart and prayers are with you and your family.

  3. Wow. As painful as this is right now for you to be going through, imagine how much worse it would be if you weren't having these conversations and sharing the hugs and tears. I think navy blue sounds like a good color. Your mother strikes me as a very sensible, strong, and elegantly classy woman.

  4. johnnie - thank you so much for taking the time to share these difficult moments. death is such a new experience for me that i cant quite fathom your pain but i hope you realize what an incredible daughter you are and the gift youre giving your mother in fulfilling her wishes. i know that your daughter and grandchildren and family will cherish all of the things youre doing right now so that they will have little tokens of love from your mother for a lifetime. know that we are here for you in these trying times through the tears. siempre- dorana

  5. I'm sure this is very hard to share. My husband's mother died of cancer from smoking. Cancer of the bronchial and the doctor said it was from smoking. People don't just cut back but quit.
    Your mother is a strong person, trying to take care of things as long as she can. So are you Johnnie, not an easy task to do, picking out the dress but what a privilege at the same time. Love her, your dad and yourself.

  6. I don't think I've ever read a blog that moved me more. I have a mother that smokes and an only daughter, so it really hit home. I've begged my mother my entire life to stop smoking and she refuses to even have a dialogue about it anymore. I'm not sure even this blog would reach her. Thanks for sharing your story. I hope it helps you to share it. I hope even more that it will reach someone whose daughter wants nothing more than her to stop smoking. My prayers are with you and your family.

  7. Johnnie:

    Words cannot begin to express how I feel. Just know that you always have a shoulder to lean on whenever it is needed. Your care, devotion and love for your mother is a lovely thing. It is wonderful that you were able to have such a person in your life. Be Well.

  8. This is not any way to live or die.
    Johnny, sending you and your family positive thoughts, you will get through this, but lets hope that cancer is something our kids don't have to worry about. Hopefully progress is made.

  9. Johnnie,

    My tears are flowing for you... this hits me for we lost my mother in law in August and the many months to that day was bad on us all.. I know your pain too.. Just take care of your self too, as you are helping your mother... thinking of you..

  10. Yes Johnnie , You are super Lucky to have a role model like your mom. You are a wonderful daughter and she will live on in your art and your thoughts . Ima sure she will always be near you and your daughter shining beaming and bring that special happiness.
    I lost My mother to COPD and cancer it was hard towatch her slowly wither away. that is the hardest part But as they say it all circles back..what was is now .I quit smoking along time ago You are a bright spot in My day Johnnie and I will continue so send healing to you all until you tell me to stop.

  11. I am so sorry for what you're going through, I wish there was something I could say or do. If you email me your address, I'd like to send a photo your way -

  12. I just found out that my dad is terminally ill and doesn't have much time left. He was diagnosed with cancer just a month ago. I feel your pain, and share your tears.

  13. Hi Johnnie!
    The pain in experiencing the death process of a love one is very difficult.
    It is also a very important experience as we will all come face to face with that someday.
    When I experienced the death of my dying father as he took his last breath, I realized that his essence was contained in the breath. The body was like a shell,which contained his essence.
    It was a great lesson for me at the time on the dying process.
    I didn't look at it as scary as I once thought; but part of life's journey.
    I send you my love to you and your family during this difficult time.

    Mariette xox

    The sunset always puts a smile on my face.;-)

  14. This made me want to cry - my grandmother is a smoker and is dying. She is angry because thy won't let her smoke and drink anymore, so now she is just giving up. It is soo hard to see :(


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Johnnie Belinda creating unique art works out of melted pigmented bees wax. My unique encuastic abstracts I use a technique of melting, tilting, and swirling that creates the vivid abstracts of spirit beings and florals. I have no thought to what may appear on the hardboard surface. Allowing a force not of my own to guide my hand into creating exquisite one of a kind abstracts. Not only do I create abstracts in encaustic, I also use acrylics and watercolors. I am self taught. I'm constantly drawing on things, from scraps of paper to canvas, to big pieces or bed sheets. I truly must create the images my mind sees.

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